Silly / Absurd

#83 · Conduct an orchestra for mice

Mice have excellent musical taste and deserve a proper conductor. A chopstick is precisely the right scale for the job.

Every mouse deserves a symphony. Whether one currently resides in your walls or you are simply preparing for future guests, a chopstick is the only baton correctly scaled to a rodent ensemble. Position yourself at the podium - a kitchen chair will do - and give them something in three-four time.

Why it works

A conductor's baton is typically 30 to 60cm, chosen so a gesture is visible from the back of a large ensemble. Scale that down to an orchestra of mice and you arrive at approximately one chopstick. The mathematics is unarguable. The premise is not.

Tips & warnings

• Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. Light, brisk, appropriately proportioned.
• The mice will not applaud. It is not their way, and you should not take it personally.
• If there is genuinely a mouse in your house, please deal with that humanely instead of conducting at it.