#81 · Catching flies (Mr. Miyagi style)
Crane your arm back, focus your mind, and strike with lightning precision. Results not guaranteed. Practice indefinitely.
The chopstick, unbothered by usefulness.
Silly / Absurd
Not every idea has to be practical. This section is a love letter to the chopstick's most gloriously daft applications - tiny vampire stakes, imaginary orchestras, magic wands, dramatic pointing. Please enjoy responsibly.
These entries are jokes. Some more, some less. None of them should be taken as serious advice - please do not, for example, use a chopstick as a weapon, or point it at anyone's eye, ever. Read for pleasure only.
21 ideas in this category.
#82 · Tiny vampire stake
Whittled to a sharp point, it may be effective against vampires proportionally the size of action figures. Better safe than sorry.
#83 · Conduct an orchestra for mice
Mice have excellent musical taste and deserve a proper conductor. A chopstick is precisely the right scale for the job.
#84 · Pretend cigarette
Hold between two fingers and do your best 1950s movie star impression. No smoke, no smell, maximum drama.
#85 · Javelin at the Tiny Olympics
Set up an athletics track on your desk, invite your smallest toys to compete, and hurl your chopstick for gold.
#86 · Self-defence weapon (optimistically)
In a pinch, it could theoretically deter a very small, very confused attacker. Still satisfying to wave around with intent.
#87 · Miniature bo staff
Hold in both hands and perform your martial arts forms with conviction. Tiny, but spiritually enormous.
#88 · Point dramatically at a whiteboard
Stop using your finger like a civilian. Command the room by pointing at key diagrams with full authority and gravitas.
#89 · Balance it on your nose
Set the flat end on your nose, extend your arms, and achieve perfect stillness. A classic street performer skill. Practice required.
#90 · Divining rod
Hold two chopsticks loosely and walk slowly across the garden. When they cross, there's either water below or a major ley line. Science.
#91 · Mini lightsaber
Hold aloft, make the appropriate vwomm sound effect, and engage your opponent. All duels respectfully accepted.
#92 · Poke someone annoying
When words fail, a gentle chopstick prod to the shoulder conveys the message with surgical precision. Very mature.
#93 · Bathroom microphone
Bring it to your lips and perform your full setlist with commitment. The acoustics in there are genuinely exceptional.
#94 · Tongue depressor (playing doctors)
You'll need a chopstick tongue depressor for a full examination. Say "aaah." Results are medically inconclusive.
#95 · Mock sword fight
Two chopsticks, two participants, one kitchen. May the best duelist emerge victorious. Mind the good crockery.
#96 · Tiny catapult arm
Tape one end to a cotton reel, load the other end with a pea or mini marshmallow, and launch. Engineering at its finest.
#97 · Draw patterns in spilled salt
Drag a chopstick tip through a pile of spilled salt or sugar to create swirling patterns or mandalas before sweeping it up.
#98 · Measure the depth of a mysterious jar
Dip it in. Mark the waterline with your thumb. Measure against a ruler. Mystery mathematically solved.
#99 · Magic trick wand
Produce it from behind someone's ear with a flourish, say "ta-da!", and expect applause. Works best on audiences under five.
#100 · Make a wish and snap it
Hold one end each with a friend, make a wish, and snap the chopstick like a wishbone. Whoever gets the bigger piece wins. Probably.
#101 · Submit it as modern art
Place in a white gallery space. Tilt precisely 30 degrees. Title it "Untitled No. 47 (Bamboo)". Minimum £4,000 at auction.