Silly / Absurd

#86 · Self-defence weapon (optimistically)

In a pinch, it could theoretically deter a very small, very confused attacker. Still satisfying to wave around with intent.

We are not going to suggest a chopstick would help you in a genuine emergency. But if you are stuck in a lift with a colleague who has opinions about cryptocurrency, having one in your pocket is at least psychologically load-bearing.

Why it works

Honestly? Comfort, and nothing else. A chopstick is a short piece of bamboo that snaps under moderate lateral force - which is a description of kindling, not a weapon. Anything you could plausibly do with one, you could do better with your voice, your legs, or the door.

Tips & warnings

• If personal safety is a genuine worry, a loud personal alarm and a well-lit route home beat any improvised object.
• Learn actual self-defence from a qualified instructor. Every credible one teaches leaving as the first and best option.
• This is a joke entry. Please treat it as one.