Silly / Absurd

#101 · Submit it as modern art

Place in a white gallery space. Tilt precisely 30 degrees. Title it "Untitled No. 47 (Bamboo)". Minimum £4,000 at auction.

One chopstick. One large white canvas. A slight, deliberate angle. A title along the lines of 'Silence, No. 4'. Congratulations - you are now a conceptual artist, and the only remaining question is one of marketing.

The traditional next step is to write an artist's statement, which should be roughly two hundred words, mention negative space, and at no point explain anything. If someone asks what it means, the correct response is to ask what they think it means, and then to nod slowly regardless of the answer.

Why it works

There is a real idea underneath the joke. A chopstick on your kitchen table is a utensil; the same chopstick mounted, lit and framed is asking to be read rather than used. Duchamp made this argument with a urinal in 1917, called it Fountain, and it has been the load-bearing wall of conceptual art ever since. The object does not change. The context does all the work, and the frame is a large part of the context.

Tips & warnings

• The title carries more weight than the object. Spend your time there.
• A deep floater frame adds an implausible quantity of gravitas.
• Sign the back, not the front. The front is for the work.
• If nobody buys it, the frame will suit a photograph later.