Silly / Absurd

#82 · Tiny vampire stake

Whittled to a sharp point, it may be effective against vampires proportionally the size of action figures. Better safe than sorry.

For household pests of the supernatural persuasion, a sharpened chopstick is, structurally speaking, a purpose-built stake. It is wooden, it is pointed, and it is roughly the length folklore seems to have in mind. We are legally and morally obliged to note that it should be deployed exclusively against imaginary foes.

Why it works

Wood specifically - not iron, not silver - runs through Slavic vampire folklore, usually hawthorn, ash or aspen depending which region you ask. Bamboo appears nowhere in the tradition, so a chopstick is at best a regional substitution, and any vampire with a sense of heritage would be well within their rights to object.

Tips & warnings

• Excellent Halloween prop. Paint the tip and it photographs alarmingly well.
• Sand the point if a child is anywhere near it.
• Do not stab anything. Or anyone. Ever. This is a joke about folklore, not a suggestion.